{"id":517,"date":"2014-07-09T21:20:33","date_gmt":"2014-07-09T21:20:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/?post_type=chapter&p=517"},"modified":"2014-09-30T16:15:54","modified_gmt":"2014-09-30T16:15:54","slug":"the-importance-of-being-earnest-act-ii-2","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/chapter\/the-importance-of-being-earnest-act-ii-2\/","title":{"raw":"The Importance of Being Earnest: Act III","rendered":"The Importance of Being Earnest: Act III"},"content":{"raw":"
\r\n\r\n<\/b>THIRD ACT<\/b>\r\n\r\n<\/b>SCENE<\/b>\r\n\r\nMorning-room[footnote]A room used as a sitting room during the morning. Later in the day, visitors were received in the more formal drawing room.[\/footnote]\u00a0at the Manor House.\r\n\r\n[Gwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> are at the window, looking out into the garden.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have been eating muffins.\u00a0 That looks like repentance.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 They don\u2019t seem to notice us at all.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you cough?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But I haven\u2019t got a cough.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re looking at us.\u00a0 What effrontery!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re approaching.\u00a0 That\u2019s very forward of them.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Let us preserve a dignified silence.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 It\u2019s the only thing to do now.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> followed by Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera[footnote]Probably referring to a tune from an operetta by Gilbert and Sullivan. They had spoofed Wilde and the Aesthetic Movement in Patience<\/em> (1881). According to one character in the operetta, to be deemed an aesthete, one must \u201clie upon the daisies, and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind,\/The meaning doesn\u2019t matter if it\u2019s only idle chatter of a transcendental kind.\u201d[\/footnote].]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 A most distasteful one.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But we will not be the first to speak.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly not.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you.\u00a0 Much depends on your reply.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable.\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question.\u00a0 Why did you pretend to be my guardian\u2019s brother?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, dear, if you can believe him.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t.\u00a0 But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True.\u00a0 In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother?\u00a0 Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I have the gravest doubts upon the subject.\u00a0 But I intend to crush them.\u00a0 This is not the moment for German scepticism[footnote]A reference to 19th-century German scholarship that\u00a0raised doubts about the truth of the Bible.[\/footnote].\u00a0 [Moving to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing\u2019s.\u00a0 That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said.\u00a0 His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Then you think we should forgive them?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I mean no.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True!\u00a0 I had forgotten.\u00a0 There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender.\u00a0 Which of us should tell them?\u00a0 The task is not a pleasant one.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Could we not both speak at the same time?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 An excellent idea!\u00a0 I nearly always speak at the same time as other people.\u00a0 Will you take the time from me?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> beats time with uplifted finger.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier.\u00a0 That is all!\r\n\r\nJack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Our Christian names!\u00a0 Is that all?\u00a0 But we are going to be christened this afternoon.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes!\u00a0 Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 We are.\u00a0 [Clasps hands with Algernon<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 [They fall into each other\u2019s arms.]\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.]\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Lady Bracknell!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\r\n\r\n[Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.\u00a0 The couples separate in alarm.\u00a0 Exit Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 What does this mean?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Come here.\u00a0 Sit down.\u00a0 Sit down immediately.\u00a0 Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.\u00a0 [Turns to Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Apprised, sir, of my daughter\u2019s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train.\u00a0 Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought.\u00a0 I do not propose to undeceive him.\u00a0 Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question.\u00a0 I would consider it wrong.\u00a0 But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment.\u00a0 On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell!\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are nothing of the kind, sir.\u00a0 And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stammering.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Bunbury doesn\u2019t live here.\u00a0 Bunbury is somewhere else at present.\u00a0 In fact, Bunbury is dead.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Dead!\u00a0 When did Mr. Bunbury die?\u00a0 His death must have been extremely sudden.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I killed Bunbury this afternoon.\u00a0 I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 What did he die of?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunbury?\u00a0 Oh, he was quite exploded.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Exploded!\u00a0 Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage?\u00a0 I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation.\u00a0 If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out!\u00a0 The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean\u2014so Bunbury died.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians.\u00a0 I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.\u00a0 And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.\u00a0 [Lady Bracknell<\/b> bows coldly to Cecily<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.]\u00a0 I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance.\u00a0 I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London?\u00a0 I merely desire information.\u00a0 Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a clear, cold voice.]\u00a0 Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That sounds not unsatisfactory.\u00a0 Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen.\u00a0 But what proof have I of their authenticity?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have carefully preserved the Court Guides[footnote]An annual publication listing the names and London addresses of British royalty, aristocracy, and gentry.[\/footnote]\u00a0of the period.\u00a0 They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Grimly.]\u00a0 I have known strange errors in that publication.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Cardew\u2019s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Markby, Markby, and Markby?\u00a0 A firm of the very highest position in their profession.\u00a0 Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby\u2019s is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties.\u00a0 So far I am satisfied.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very irritably.]\u00a0 How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell!\u00a0 I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew\u2019s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl.\u00a0 I am not myself in favour of premature experiences.\u00a0 [Rises, looks at her watch.]\u00a0 Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure.\u00a0 We have not a moment to lose.\u00a0 As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds[footnote]Government stocks, similar to savings bonds, that offered a stable if modest yield.[\/footnote].\u00a0 That is all.\u00a0 Goodbye, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 So pleased to have seen you.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down again.]\u00a0 A moment, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 A hundred and thirty thousand pounds!\u00a0 And in the Funds!\u00a0 Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her.\u00a0 Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time.\u00a0 We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces.\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come over here, dear.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes across.]\u00a0 Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it.\u00a0 But we can soon alter all that.\u00a0 A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time.\u00a0 I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 And after six months nobody knew her.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glares at Jack<\/b> for a few moments.\u00a0 Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Kindly turn round, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> turns completely round.]\u00a0 No, the side view is what I want.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> presents her profile.]\u00a0 Yes, quite as I expected.\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in your profile.\u00a0 The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile.\u00a0 The chin a little higher, dear.\u00a0 Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn.\u00a0 They are worn very high, just at present.\u00a0 Algernon!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta!\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew\u2019s profile.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t care twopence about social possibilities.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon.\u00a0 Only people who can\u2019t get into it do that.\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon.\u00a0 But I do not approve of mercenary marriages.\u00a0 When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind.\u00a0 But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way.\u00a0 Well, I suppose I must give my consent.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, you may kiss me!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Kisses her.]\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.\u00a0 They give people the opportunity of finding out each other\u2019s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question.\u00a0 I am Miss Cardew\u2019s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age.\u00a0 That consent I absolutely decline to give.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon what grounds may I ask?\u00a0 Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man.\u00a0 He has nothing, but he looks everything.\u00a0 What more can one desire?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character.\u00a0 I suspect him of being untruthful.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> look at him in indignant amazement.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Untruthful!\u00a0 My nephew Algernon?\u00a0 Impossible!\u00a0 He is an Oxonian[footnote]An alumnus of Oxford University.[\/footnote].\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter.\u00a0 This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother.\u00a0 Under an assumed name he drank, I\u2019ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, \u201989; wine I was specially reserving for myself.\u00a0 Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward.\u00a0 He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin.\u00a0 And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don\u2019t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind.\u00a0 I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew\u2019s conduct to you.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 My own decision, however, is unalterable.\u00a0 I decline to give my consent.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come here, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes over.]\u00a0 How old are you, dear?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration.\u00a0 Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age.\u00a0 It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative manner.]\u00a0 Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties.\u00a0 Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage.\u00a0 So I don\u2019t think your guardian\u2019s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather\u2019s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That does not seem to me to be a grave objection.\u00a0 Thirty-five is a very attractive age.\u00a0 London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.\u00a0 Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point.\u00a0 To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.\u00a0 I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present.\u00a0 There will be a large accumulation of property.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I could, Cecily.\u00a0 You know I could.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn\u2019t wait all that time.\u00a0 I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody.\u00a0 It always makes me rather cross.\u00a0 I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then what is to be done, Cecily?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, Mr. Moncrieff.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five\u2014a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature\u2014I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands.\u00a0 The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising and drawing herself up.]\u00a0 You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Algernon, of course, can choose for himself.\u00a0 [Pulls out her watch.]\u00a0 Come, dear, [Gwendolen<\/b> rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains.\u00a0 To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.\r\n\r\n[Enter Dr. Chasuble<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Everything is quite ready for the christenings.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The christenings, sir!\u00a0 Is not that somewhat premature?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 At their age?\u00a0 The idea is grotesque and irreligious!\u00a0 Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized.\u00a0 I will not hear of such excesses.\u00a0 Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons.\u00a0 However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once.\u00a0 Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Starting.]\u00a0 Miss Prism!\u00a0 Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I am on my way to join her.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray allow me to detain you for a moment.\u00a0 This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself.\u00a0 Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Somewhat indignantly.]\u00a0 She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is obviously the same person.\u00a0 May I ask what position she holds in your household?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 I am a celibate, madam.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Interposing.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew\u2019s esteemed governess and valued companion.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once.\u00a0 Let her be sent for.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking off.]\u00a0 She approaches; she is nigh.\r\n\r\n[Enter Miss Prism<\/b> hurriedly.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon.\u00a0 I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters.\u00a0 [Catches sight of Lady Bracknell<\/b>, who has fixed her with a stony glare.\u00a0 Miss Prism<\/b> grows pale and quails.\u00a0 She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a severe, judicial voice.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> bows her head in shame.]\u00a0 Come here, Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> approaches in a humble manner.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [General consternation.\u00a0 The Canon<\/b> starts back in horror.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> and Jack<\/b> pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.]\u00a0 Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell\u2019s house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex.\u00a0 You never returned.\u00a0 A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater.\u00a0 It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality.\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> starts in involuntary indignation.]\u00a0 But the baby was not there!\u00a0 [Every one looks at Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [A pause.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know.\u00a0 I only wish I did.\u00a0 The plain facts of the case are these.\u00a0 On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator.\u00a0 I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours.\u00a0 In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Who has been listening attentively.]\u00a0 But where did you deposit the hand-bag?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me.\u00a0 I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I left it in the cloak-room of one of the larger railway stations in London.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 What railway station?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Quite crushed.]\u00a0 Victoria.\u00a0 The Brighton line.\u00a0 [Sinks into a chair.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I must retire to my room for a moment.\u00a0 Gwendolen, wait here for me.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.\u00a0 [Exit Jack<\/b> in great excitement.]\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur.\u00a0 They are hardly considered the thing.\r\n\r\n[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about.\u00a0 Every one looks up.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Your guardian has a very emotional nature.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 This noise is extremely unpleasant.\u00a0 It sounds as if he was having an argument.\u00a0 I dislike arguments of any kind.\u00a0 They are always vulgar, and often convincing.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking up.]\u00a0 It has stopped now.\u00a0 [The noise is redoubled.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This suspense is terrible.\u00a0 I hope it will last.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rushing over to Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism?\u00a0 Examine it carefully before you speak.\u00a0 The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Calmly.]\u00a0 It seems to be mine.\u00a0 Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier days.\u00a0 Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington.\u00a0 And here, on the lock, are my initials.\u00a0 I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there.\u00a0 The bag is undoubtedly mine.\u00a0 I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me.\u00a0 It has been a great inconvenience being without it all these years.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a pathetic voice.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this hand-bag.\u00a0 I was the baby you placed in it.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Amazed.]\u00a0 You?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Embracing her.]\u00a0 Yes . . . mother!\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 I am unmarried!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Unmarried!\u00a0 I do not deny that is a serious blow.\u00a0 But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered?\u00a0 Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly?\u00a0 Why should there be one law for men, and another for women?\u00a0 Mother, I forgive you.\u00a0 [Tries to embrace her again.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Still more indignant.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, there is some error.\u00a0 [Pointing to Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]\u00a0 There is the lady who can tell you who you really are.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you.\u00a0 You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon\u2019s elder brother.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy\u2019s elder brother!\u00a0 Then I have a brother after all.\u00a0 I knew I had a brother!\u00a0 I always said I had a brother!\u00a0 Cecily,\u2014how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother?\u00a0 [Seizes hold of Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future.\u00a0 You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit.\u00a0 I did my best, however, though I was out of practice.\r\n\r\n[Shakes hands.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 My own!\u00a0 But what own are you?\u00a0 What is your Christian name, now that you have become some one else?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point.\u00a0 Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I never change, except in my affections.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then the question had better be cleared up at once.\u00a0 Aunt Augusta, a moment.\u00a0 At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then I was christened!\u00a0 That is settled.\u00a0 Now, what name was I given?\u00a0 Let me know the worst.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after your father.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Yes, but what was my father\u2019s Christian name?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Meditatively.]\u00a0 I cannot at the present moment recall what the General\u2019s Christian name was.\u00a0 But I have no doubt he had one.\u00a0 He was eccentric, I admit.\u00a0 But only in later years.\u00a0 And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy!\u00a0 Can\u2019t you recollect what our father\u2019s Christian name was?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms.\u00a0 He died before I was a year old.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.\u00a0 But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military directory.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Army Lists of the last forty years are here.\u00a0 These delightful records should have been my constant study.\u00a0 [Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.]\u00a0 M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have\u2014Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff!\u00a0 Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John.\u00a0 [Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.]\u00a0 I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn\u2019t I?\u00a0 Well, it is Ernest after all.\u00a0 I mean it naturally is Ernest.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest!\u00a0 My own Ernest!\u00a0 I felt from the first that you could have no other name!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.\u00a0 Can you forgive me?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I can.\u00a0 For I feel that you are sure to change.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 L\u00e6titia!\u00a0 [Embraces her]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Enthusiastically.]\u00a0 Frederick!\u00a0 At last!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I\u2019ve now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest.\r\n\r\nTABLEAU\r\n\r\n<\/div>","rendered":"
\n

<\/b>THIRD ACT<\/b><\/p>\n

<\/b>SCENE<\/b><\/p>\n

Morning-room[1]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0at the Manor House.<\/p>\n

[Gwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> are at the window, looking out into the garden.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have been eating muffins.\u00a0 That looks like repentance.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 They don\u2019t seem to notice us at all.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you cough?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But I haven\u2019t got a cough.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re looking at us.\u00a0 What effrontery!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re approaching.\u00a0 That\u2019s very forward of them.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Let us preserve a dignified silence.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 It\u2019s the only thing to do now.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> followed by Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera[2]<\/sup><\/a>.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 A most distasteful one.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But we will not be the first to speak.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly not.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you.\u00a0 Much depends on your reply.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable.\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question.\u00a0 Why did you pretend to be my guardian\u2019s brother?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, dear, if you can believe him.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t.\u00a0 But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True.\u00a0 In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother?\u00a0 Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I have the gravest doubts upon the subject.\u00a0 But I intend to crush them.\u00a0 This is not the moment for German scepticism[3]<\/sup><\/a>.\u00a0 [Moving to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing\u2019s.\u00a0 That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said.\u00a0 His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Then you think we should forgive them?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I mean no.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True!\u00a0 I had forgotten.\u00a0 There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender.\u00a0 Which of us should tell them?\u00a0 The task is not a pleasant one.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Could we not both speak at the same time?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 An excellent idea!\u00a0 I nearly always speak at the same time as other people.\u00a0 Will you take the time from me?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> beats time with uplifted finger.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier.\u00a0 That is all!<\/p>\n

Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Our Christian names!\u00a0 Is that all?\u00a0 But we are going to be christened this afternoon.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes!\u00a0 Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 We are.\u00a0 [Clasps hands with Algernon<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 [They fall into each other\u2019s arms.]<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.]<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Lady Bracknell!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!<\/p>\n

[Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.\u00a0 The couples separate in alarm.\u00a0 Exit Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 What does this mean?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Come here.\u00a0 Sit down.\u00a0 Sit down immediately.\u00a0 Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.\u00a0 [Turns to Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Apprised, sir, of my daughter\u2019s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train.\u00a0 Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought.\u00a0 I do not propose to undeceive him.\u00a0 Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question.\u00a0 I would consider it wrong.\u00a0 But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment.\u00a0 On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are nothing of the kind, sir.\u00a0 And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stammering.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Bunbury doesn\u2019t live here.\u00a0 Bunbury is somewhere else at present.\u00a0 In fact, Bunbury is dead.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Dead!\u00a0 When did Mr. Bunbury die?\u00a0 His death must have been extremely sudden.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I killed Bunbury this afternoon.\u00a0 I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 What did he die of?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunbury?\u00a0 Oh, he was quite exploded.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Exploded!\u00a0 Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage?\u00a0 I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation.\u00a0 If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out!\u00a0 The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean\u2014so Bunbury died.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians.\u00a0 I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.\u00a0 And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.\u00a0 [Lady Bracknell<\/b> bows coldly to Cecily<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.]\u00a0 I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance.\u00a0 I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London?\u00a0 I merely desire information.\u00a0 Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a clear, cold voice.]\u00a0 Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That sounds not unsatisfactory.\u00a0 Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen.\u00a0 But what proof have I of their authenticity?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have carefully preserved the Court Guides[4]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0of the period.\u00a0 They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Grimly.]\u00a0 I have known strange errors in that publication.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Cardew\u2019s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Markby, Markby, and Markby?\u00a0 A firm of the very highest position in their profession.\u00a0 Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby\u2019s is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties.\u00a0 So far I am satisfied.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very irritably.]\u00a0 How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell!\u00a0 I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew\u2019s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl.\u00a0 I am not myself in favour of premature experiences.\u00a0 [Rises, looks at her watch.]\u00a0 Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure.\u00a0 We have not a moment to lose.\u00a0 As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds[5]<\/sup><\/a>.\u00a0 That is all.\u00a0 Goodbye, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 So pleased to have seen you.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down again.]\u00a0 A moment, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 A hundred and thirty thousand pounds!\u00a0 And in the Funds!\u00a0 Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her.\u00a0 Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time.\u00a0 We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces.\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come over here, dear.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes across.]\u00a0 Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it.\u00a0 But we can soon alter all that.\u00a0 A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time.\u00a0 I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 And after six months nobody knew her.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glares at Jack<\/b> for a few moments.\u00a0 Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Kindly turn round, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> turns completely round.]\u00a0 No, the side view is what I want.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> presents her profile.]\u00a0 Yes, quite as I expected.\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in your profile.\u00a0 The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile.\u00a0 The chin a little higher, dear.\u00a0 Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn.\u00a0 They are worn very high, just at present.\u00a0 Algernon!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew\u2019s profile.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t care twopence about social possibilities.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon.\u00a0 Only people who can\u2019t get into it do that.\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon.\u00a0 But I do not approve of mercenary marriages.\u00a0 When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind.\u00a0 But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way.\u00a0 Well, I suppose I must give my consent.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, you may kiss me!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Kisses her.]\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.\u00a0 They give people the opportunity of finding out each other\u2019s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question.\u00a0 I am Miss Cardew\u2019s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age.\u00a0 That consent I absolutely decline to give.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon what grounds may I ask?\u00a0 Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man.\u00a0 He has nothing, but he looks everything.\u00a0 What more can one desire?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character.\u00a0 I suspect him of being untruthful.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> look at him in indignant amazement.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Untruthful!\u00a0 My nephew Algernon?\u00a0 Impossible!\u00a0 He is an Oxonian[6]<\/sup><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter.\u00a0 This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother.\u00a0 Under an assumed name he drank, I\u2019ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, \u201989; wine I was specially reserving for myself.\u00a0 Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward.\u00a0 He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin.\u00a0 And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don\u2019t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind.\u00a0 I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew\u2019s conduct to you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 My own decision, however, is unalterable.\u00a0 I decline to give my consent.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come here, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes over.]\u00a0 How old are you, dear?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration.\u00a0 Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age.\u00a0 It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative manner.]\u00a0 Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties.\u00a0 Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage.\u00a0 So I don\u2019t think your guardian\u2019s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather\u2019s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That does not seem to me to be a grave objection.\u00a0 Thirty-five is a very attractive age.\u00a0 London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.\u00a0 Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point.\u00a0 To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.\u00a0 I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present.\u00a0 There will be a large accumulation of property.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I could, Cecily.\u00a0 You know I could.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn\u2019t wait all that time.\u00a0 I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody.\u00a0 It always makes me rather cross.\u00a0 I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then what is to be done, Cecily?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, Mr. Moncrieff.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five\u2014a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature\u2014I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands.\u00a0 The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising and drawing herself up.]\u00a0 You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Algernon, of course, can choose for himself.\u00a0 [Pulls out her watch.]\u00a0 Come, dear, [Gwendolen<\/b> rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains.\u00a0 To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.<\/p>\n

[Enter Dr. Chasuble<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Everything is quite ready for the christenings.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The christenings, sir!\u00a0 Is not that somewhat premature?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 At their age?\u00a0 The idea is grotesque and irreligious!\u00a0 Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized.\u00a0 I will not hear of such excesses.\u00a0 Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons.\u00a0 However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once.\u00a0 Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Starting.]\u00a0 Miss Prism!\u00a0 Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I am on my way to join her.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray allow me to detain you for a moment.\u00a0 This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself.\u00a0 Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Somewhat indignantly.]\u00a0 She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is obviously the same person.\u00a0 May I ask what position she holds in your household?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 I am a celibate, madam.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Interposing.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew\u2019s esteemed governess and valued companion.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once.\u00a0 Let her be sent for.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking off.]\u00a0 She approaches; she is nigh.<\/p>\n

[Enter Miss Prism<\/b> hurriedly.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon.\u00a0 I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters.\u00a0 [Catches sight of Lady Bracknell<\/b>, who has fixed her with a stony glare.\u00a0 Miss Prism<\/b> grows pale and quails.\u00a0 She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a severe, judicial voice.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> bows her head in shame.]\u00a0 Come here, Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> approaches in a humble manner.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [General consternation.\u00a0 The Canon<\/b> starts back in horror.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> and Jack<\/b> pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.]\u00a0 Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell\u2019s house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex.\u00a0 You never returned.\u00a0 A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater.\u00a0 It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality.\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> starts in involuntary indignation.]\u00a0 But the baby was not there!\u00a0 [Every one looks at Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [A pause.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know.\u00a0 I only wish I did.\u00a0 The plain facts of the case are these.\u00a0 On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator.\u00a0 I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours.\u00a0 In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Who has been listening attentively.]\u00a0 But where did you deposit the hand-bag?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me.\u00a0 I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I left it in the cloak-room of one of the larger railway stations in London.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What railway station?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Quite crushed.]\u00a0 Victoria.\u00a0 The Brighton line.\u00a0 [Sinks into a chair.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I must retire to my room for a moment.\u00a0 Gwendolen, wait here for me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.\u00a0 [Exit Jack<\/b> in great excitement.]<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur.\u00a0 They are hardly considered the thing.<\/p>\n

[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about.\u00a0 Every one looks up.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Your guardian has a very emotional nature.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 This noise is extremely unpleasant.\u00a0 It sounds as if he was having an argument.\u00a0 I dislike arguments of any kind.\u00a0 They are always vulgar, and often convincing.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking up.]\u00a0 It has stopped now.\u00a0 [The noise is redoubled.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This suspense is terrible.\u00a0 I hope it will last.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rushing over to Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism?\u00a0 Examine it carefully before you speak.\u00a0 The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Calmly.]\u00a0 It seems to be mine.\u00a0 Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier days.\u00a0 Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington.\u00a0 And here, on the lock, are my initials.\u00a0 I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there.\u00a0 The bag is undoubtedly mine.\u00a0 I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me.\u00a0 It has been a great inconvenience being without it all these years.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a pathetic voice.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this hand-bag.\u00a0 I was the baby you placed in it.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Amazed.]\u00a0 You?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Embracing her.]\u00a0 Yes . . . mother!<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 I am unmarried!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Unmarried!\u00a0 I do not deny that is a serious blow.\u00a0 But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered?\u00a0 Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly?\u00a0 Why should there be one law for men, and another for women?\u00a0 Mother, I forgive you.\u00a0 [Tries to embrace her again.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Still more indignant.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, there is some error.\u00a0 [Pointing to Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]\u00a0 There is the lady who can tell you who you really are.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you.\u00a0 You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon\u2019s elder brother.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy\u2019s elder brother!\u00a0 Then I have a brother after all.\u00a0 I knew I had a brother!\u00a0 I always said I had a brother!\u00a0 Cecily,\u2014how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother?\u00a0 [Seizes hold of Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future.\u00a0 You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit.\u00a0 I did my best, however, though I was out of practice.<\/p>\n

[Shakes hands.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 My own!\u00a0 But what own are you?\u00a0 What is your Christian name, now that you have become some one else?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point.\u00a0 Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I never change, except in my affections.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then the question had better be cleared up at once.\u00a0 Aunt Augusta, a moment.\u00a0 At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then I was christened!\u00a0 That is settled.\u00a0 Now, what name was I given?\u00a0 Let me know the worst.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after your father.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Yes, but what was my father\u2019s Christian name?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Meditatively.]\u00a0 I cannot at the present moment recall what the General\u2019s Christian name was.\u00a0 But I have no doubt he had one.\u00a0 He was eccentric, I admit.\u00a0 But only in later years.\u00a0 And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy!\u00a0 Can\u2019t you recollect what our father\u2019s Christian name was?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms.\u00a0 He died before I was a year old.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.\u00a0 But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military directory.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Army Lists of the last forty years are here.\u00a0 These delightful records should have been my constant study.\u00a0 [Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.]\u00a0 M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have\u2014Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff!\u00a0 Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John.\u00a0 [Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.]\u00a0 I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn\u2019t I?\u00a0 Well, it is Ernest after all.\u00a0 I mean it naturally is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest!\u00a0 My own Ernest!\u00a0 I felt from the first that you could have no other name!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.\u00a0 Can you forgive me?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I can.\u00a0 For I feel that you are sure to change.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 L\u00e6titia!\u00a0 [Embraces her]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Enthusiastically.]\u00a0 Frederick!\u00a0 At last!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I\u2019ve now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest.<\/p>\n

TABLEAU<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

  1. A room used as a sitting room during the morning. Later in the day, visitors were received in the more formal drawing room. ↵<\/a><\/li>
  2. Probably referring to a tune from an operetta by Gilbert and Sullivan. They had spoofed Wilde and the Aesthetic Movement in Patience<\/em> (1881). According to one character in the operetta, to be deemed an aesthete, one must \u201clie upon the daisies, and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind,\/The meaning doesn\u2019t matter if it\u2019s only idle chatter of a transcendental kind.\u201d ↵<\/a><\/li>
  3. A reference to 19th-century German scholarship that\u00a0raised doubts about the truth of the Bible. ↵<\/a><\/li>
  4. An annual publication listing the names and London addresses of British royalty, aristocracy, and gentry. ↵<\/a><\/li>
  5. Government stocks, similar to savings bonds, that offered a stable if modest yield. ↵<\/a><\/li>
  6. An alumnus of Oxford University. ↵<\/a><\/li><\/ol><\/div>","protected":false},"author":17,"menu_order":4,"template":"","meta":{"pb_show_title":"on","pb_short_title":"","pb_subtitle":"","pb_authors":["oscar-wilde"],"pb_section_license":"public-domain"},"chapter-type":[],"contributor":[68],"license":[78],"class_list":["post-517","chapter","type-chapter","status-publish","hentry","contributor-oscar-wilde","license-public-domain"],"part":501,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/517","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/chapter"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/517\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1322,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/517\/revisions\/1322"}],"part":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/parts\/501"}],"metadata":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/517\/metadata\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=517"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"chapter-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapter-type?post=517"},{"taxonomy":"contributor","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/contributor?post=517"},{"taxonomy":"license","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/englishliterature\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/license?post=517"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}