{"id":215,"date":"2022-03-24T18:08:46","date_gmt":"2022-03-24T22:08:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/?post_type=chapter&p=215"},"modified":"2022-03-24T18:28:18","modified_gmt":"2022-03-24T22:28:18","slug":"connection-and-over-relating","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/chapter\/connection-and-over-relating\/","title":{"raw":"Connection and Over-Relating","rendered":"Connection and Over-Relating"},"content":{"raw":"

\u201cEmpathy\u2019s the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we\u2019re in struggle: me too.\u201d ~Bren\u00e9 Brown<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n

Connection<\/h1>\r\nOne of the things that makes peer support so effective is that it harnesses the power of shared experience.\r\n\r\nWhen we are in struggle and we meet someone who sees us - really<\/em> sees us - and says, \u201cMe too.\u201d When that happens, connection begins to form. We feel acknowledged. The shame we\u2019ve been holding onto slowly begins to melt away and we start to believe that we might not be alone.\r\n\r\nThis kind of relationship is rooted in mutuality. It can flourish when we are treated with empathy.\u00a0 We have the opportunity both to know and to be known. There is so much power in that.\r\n\r\nThis is peer support in action.\r\n

Over-Relating<\/h1>\r\nThe shadow side of this beautiful connection is the tendency to over-relate. Over-relating means that because we have commonalities with another person\u2019s experience, we assume there are more similarities than there really are. When we over-relate, rather than asking powerful questions about the other person\u2019s experience, we fill in the blanks of what we don\u2019t know with assumptions that stem from our experiences and perceptions, In the process, we don\u2019t listen very well, and the other person doesn\u2019t feel heard.\r\n
\r\n

Let\u2019s look at an example<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/header>\r\n

\r\n\r\nKristin is working a peer support shift at the student center. She is from Nova Scotia and came to B.C. for school. She is adjusting to her new life but often struggles with feeling homesick. Jas comes into the center looking for support. Jas is an international student from India. She has been in Canada for a few months and is having a hard time adjusting to the new culture. She misses her family and many things about her home country. She understands English pretty well but struggles with some more nuanced language like slang. She heard about peer services and decided to check it out.\r\n\r\nIf Kristin responds to Jas by saying, \u201cI know exactly<\/strong> how you\u2019re feeling! I\u2019m not from here either. I\u2019m feeling homesick too,\u201d she is at risk of over-relating to Jas\u2019s experience. Kristin is not considering that Jas\u2019s experience is different than hers because she is not just away from home, she is also adjusting to a significantly different culture. If Kristin doesn\u2019t realize this difference, she could start giving unhelpful advice that will just make Jas feel even more unheard and alone.\r\n\r\nInstead, Kristin can share her understanding of what it\u2019s like to be away from home, while acknowledging that her situation is different than Jas\u2019s since she is still living in the same country. Kristin can choose to listen to what Jas has to say about her experience. Perhaps she can share some resources that might be supportive as Jas adjusts to a new culture.\r\n\r\nKristin can choose to harness the connection that comes from missing home, while choosing to be intentionally mindful of differences and curious about Jas\u2019s experience.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\nThe connection of \u201cme too\u201d can start to break down when we assume that someone else\u2019s experiences are the same as ours. We risk disconnection when we don\u2019t create space in our peer support relationships for different perspectives and approaches.\r\n\r\nDisconnection can be so much worse when we dish out advice either openly or subtly. Our advice is always based on our own experiences and worldview. When we speak from our own frame of reference without questioning it, we fail to see that the other person\u2019s path is different than ours, and we are unintentionally stealing someone\u2019s self-determination.\r\n\r\nIn communication, we can\u2019t really begin to understand another person\u2019s perspective unless we choose to listen from a place of curiosity and not knowing. Otherwise, everything we say and hear will be filtered through what we already know, and we won\u2019t be able to acknowledge or make room for their unique experience.\r\n
\r\n

For Reflection<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/header>\r\n

\r\n
    \r\n \t
  • Think about one of the first times you felt that \u201cme too\u201d connection with someone. How did you feel when someone shared that they had a similar lived experience as you? How did that feel in your body?<\/li>\r\n \t
  • Have you ever been in Jas\u2019s position, and felt like someone was making assumptions about you without really listening?<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n ","rendered":"

    \u201cEmpathy\u2019s the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we\u2019re in struggle: me too.\u201d ~Bren\u00e9 Brown<\/em><\/p>\n

    Connection<\/h1>\n

    One of the things that makes peer support so effective is that it harnesses the power of shared experience.<\/p>\n

    When we are in struggle and we meet someone who sees us – really<\/em> sees us – and says, \u201cMe too.\u201d When that happens, connection begins to form. We feel acknowledged. The shame we\u2019ve been holding onto slowly begins to melt away and we start to believe that we might not be alone.<\/p>\n

    This kind of relationship is rooted in mutuality. It can flourish when we are treated with empathy.\u00a0 We have the opportunity both to know and to be known. There is so much power in that.<\/p>\n

    This is peer support in action.<\/p>\n

    Over-Relating<\/h1>\n

    The shadow side of this beautiful connection is the tendency to over-relate. Over-relating means that because we have commonalities with another person\u2019s experience, we assume there are more similarities than there really are. When we over-relate, rather than asking powerful questions about the other person\u2019s experience, we fill in the blanks of what we don\u2019t know with assumptions that stem from our experiences and perceptions, In the process, we don\u2019t listen very well, and the other person doesn\u2019t feel heard.<\/p>\n

    \n
    \n

    Let\u2019s look at an example<\/p>\n<\/header>\n

    \n

    Kristin is working a peer support shift at the student center. She is from Nova Scotia and came to B.C. for school. She is adjusting to her new life but often struggles with feeling homesick. Jas comes into the center looking for support. Jas is an international student from India. She has been in Canada for a few months and is having a hard time adjusting to the new culture. She misses her family and many things about her home country. She understands English pretty well but struggles with some more nuanced language like slang. She heard about peer services and decided to check it out.<\/p>\n

    If Kristin responds to Jas by saying, \u201cI know exactly<\/strong> how you\u2019re feeling! I\u2019m not from here either. I\u2019m feeling homesick too,\u201d she is at risk of over-relating to Jas\u2019s experience. Kristin is not considering that Jas\u2019s experience is different than hers because she is not just away from home, she is also adjusting to a significantly different culture. If Kristin doesn\u2019t realize this difference, she could start giving unhelpful advice that will just make Jas feel even more unheard and alone.<\/p>\n

    Instead, Kristin can share her understanding of what it\u2019s like to be away from home, while acknowledging that her situation is different than Jas\u2019s since she is still living in the same country. Kristin can choose to listen to what Jas has to say about her experience. Perhaps she can share some resources that might be supportive as Jas adjusts to a new culture.<\/p>\n

    Kristin can choose to harness the connection that comes from missing home, while choosing to be intentionally mindful of differences and curious about Jas\u2019s experience.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

    The connection of \u201cme too\u201d can start to break down when we assume that someone else\u2019s experiences are the same as ours. We risk disconnection when we don\u2019t create space in our peer support relationships for different perspectives and approaches.<\/p>\n

    Disconnection can be so much worse when we dish out advice either openly or subtly. Our advice is always based on our own experiences and worldview. When we speak from our own frame of reference without questioning it, we fail to see that the other person\u2019s path is different than ours, and we are unintentionally stealing someone\u2019s self-determination.<\/p>\n

    In communication, we can\u2019t really begin to understand another person\u2019s perspective unless we choose to listen from a place of curiosity and not knowing. Otherwise, everything we say and hear will be filtered through what we already know, and we won\u2019t be able to acknowledge or make room for their unique experience.<\/p>\n

    \n
    \n

    For Reflection<\/p>\n<\/header>\n

    \n
      \n
    • Think about one of the first times you felt that \u201cme too\u201d connection with someone. How did you feel when someone shared that they had a similar lived experience as you? How did that feel in your body?<\/li>\n
    • Have you ever been in Jas\u2019s position, and felt like someone was making assumptions about you without really listening?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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