\u201cCompassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They\u2019re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.\u201d ~Bren\u00e9 Brown<\/em><\/p>\r\nIt\u2019s likely that most of us can relate to feeling the kind of resentment Bren\u00e9 Brown is speaking of in the above quote.\r\n\r\nFor example: Consider that you need to be asleep by 11:00pm. If you don\u2019t get to bed at that time, you feel groggy in the mornings and it\u2019s hard to get through the day. You find that staying up late affects your grades. What if your housemate, who works evening shifts, frequently enters your living space at 10:30pm to vent about their day? You understand that they need to talk, so you feel uncomfortable telling them that you need to sleep. If you continually avoid expressing your boundaries, over time resentment towards them will build. Not to mention the lack of sleep will affect your well-being.\r\n\r\nThe resentment can start to build slowly, until something small can trigger anger or frustration. If we aren\u2019t clear about our boundaries, people are left guessing, and it ultimately affects our communication and connection. In this way, not having clearly defined boundaries affects connection.\r\n\r\nYou can\u2019t control how the people in your life will treat you (including those you will be working with in your peer support role), but you can control your own boundaries.\r\n\r\nWhen boundaries are crossed, talking about it in an honest, direct, and respectful way is important. Most of us have been in relationships where we haven\u2019t been clear on our personal boundaries, and the relationship has derailed and fallen apart. Lack of boundaries can show up in things like conflict that can\u2019t be managed, disrespectful and rude language, yelling, or even resentment that comes from doing what we perceive as \u201ctoo much.\u201d\r\n\r\nHaving said that, it\u2019s important to note that all relationships can be messy since we human beings are imperfect. If, however, a relationship is not working for both people involved, then it\u2019s just not working. Boundary clarification is essential to relationships. Talking about boundaries, even if it is awkward, keeps the relationship healthy and on track.\r\n\r\nWhen we are clear on our boundaries and they still get crossed, it\u2019s important to talk about it. Depending on how the boundary was crossed and how many times it has happened, sometimes we can learn from it and get past it, and sometimes we can\u2019t.\r\n\r\nIf in your peer support role, you find yourself working with people who consistently disregard your boundaries, it is important to talk to a supervisor and plan to step away from the relationship for a time, or perhaps permanently.\r\n Having healthy boundaries means that there is clear, honest, direct, and respectful dialogue about what is Ok and what\u2019s not Ok within a relationship. When we have good boundaries and know our value, we aren\u2019t shy about being clear on those boundaries because we know that clarity supports the relationship to be stronger. When we have poor boundaries, it\u2019s a recipe for conflict, resentment, and relationship breakdown.<\/p>\n \u201cCompassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They\u2019re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.\u201d ~Bren\u00e9 Brown<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s likely that most of us can relate to feeling the kind of resentment Bren\u00e9 Brown is speaking of in the above quote.<\/p>\n For example: Consider that you need to be asleep by 11:00pm. If you don\u2019t get to bed at that time, you feel groggy in the mornings and it\u2019s hard to get through the day. You find that staying up late affects your grades. What if your housemate, who works evening shifts, frequently enters your living space at 10:30pm to vent about their day? You understand that they need to talk, so you feel uncomfortable telling them that you need to sleep. If you continually avoid expressing your boundaries, over time resentment towards them will build. Not to mention the lack of sleep will affect your well-being.<\/p>\n The resentment can start to build slowly, until something small can trigger anger or frustration. If we aren\u2019t clear about our boundaries, people are left guessing, and it ultimately affects our communication and connection. In this way, not having clearly defined boundaries affects connection.<\/p>\n You can\u2019t control how the people in your life will treat you (including those you will be working with in your peer support role), but you can control your own boundaries.<\/p>\n When boundaries are crossed, talking about it in an honest, direct, and respectful way is important. Most of us have been in relationships where we haven\u2019t been clear on our personal boundaries, and the relationship has derailed and fallen apart. Lack of boundaries can show up in things like conflict that can\u2019t be managed, disrespectful and rude language, yelling, or even resentment that comes from doing what we perceive as \u201ctoo much.\u201d<\/p>\n Having said that, it\u2019s important to note that all relationships can be messy since we human beings are imperfect. If, however, a relationship is not working for both people involved, then it\u2019s just not working. Boundary clarification is essential to relationships. Talking about boundaries, even if it is awkward, keeps the relationship healthy and on track.<\/p>\n When we are clear on our boundaries and they still get crossed, it\u2019s important to talk about it. Depending on how the boundary was crossed and how many times it has happened, sometimes we can learn from it and get past it, and sometimes we can\u2019t.<\/p>\n If in your peer support role, you find yourself working with people who consistently disregard your boundaries, it is important to talk to a supervisor and plan to step away from the relationship for a time, or perhaps permanently.<\/p>\n We can\u2019t ever know someone\u2019s whole story. However, since we have a need to make sense of what we don\u2019t know, our brains often mindlessly fill in the blanks. We make assumptions. Our brains naturally create stories about people & situations, even when we don\u2019t have all the pieces to the puzzle.<\/p>\n Generosity of assumption, especially in conflict, is about giving people the benefit of the doubt, and believing that they were doing the best they could at the time.<\/p>\n As you consider communication and conflict within peer support work, it can be tricky to balance all the principles we\u2019ve outlined. It is important that we keep the following in mind:<\/p>\n A certain level of messiness in any relationship is totally normal, and even expected. Having good boundaries helps us handle the storms that can come in our relationships. If you feel the messiness has moved beyond what you\u2019re comfortable with, remember to seek support from your supervisor.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":123,"menu_order":10,"template":"","meta":{"pb_show_title":"on","pb_short_title":"","pb_subtitle":"","pb_authors":[],"pb_section_license":""},"chapter-type":[],"contributor":[],"license":[],"class_list":["post-414","chapter","type-chapter","status-publish","hentry"],"part":94,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/414","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/chapter"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/123"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/414\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":626,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/414\/revisions\/626"}],"part":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/parts\/94"}],"metadata":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/414\/metadata\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=414"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"chapter-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapter-type?post=414"},{"taxonomy":"contributor","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/contributor?post=414"},{"taxonomy":"license","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/opentextbc.ca\/peersupport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/license?post=414"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Conflict, Boundaries, Worldview, and Communication<\/h1>\r\nWe can\u2019t ever know someone\u2019s whole story. However, since we have a need to make sense of what we don\u2019t know, our brains often mindlessly fill in the blanks. We make assumptions. Our brains naturally create stories about people & situations, even when we don\u2019t have all the pieces to the puzzle.\r\n\r\nGenerosity of assumption, especially in conflict, is about giving people the benefit of the doubt, and believing that they were doing the best they could at the time.\r\n
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Resentment from Lack of Boundaries<\/h1>\n
Conflict, Boundaries, Worldview, and Communication<\/h1>\n
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